I originally started writing about the place we are staying at these days, but I came back to this again. These thoughts come back very often, and for better or worse, their intensity rises.

There’s this one thing that has been bugging me for a long time now. How do I get out of the situation I found myself in?

I waited for a long time, I put in a lot of effort, even though I could have put much more, but I didn’t know if it was worth it. I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. If it were, I would have done it. My gut often tells me what’s right or wrong but how do I recognize the voice of my gut? Sometimes this feeling might be our emotions dressed up as the gut feeling. And in fact, the gut is suppressed. It may have been suppressed for some time. 

Can the gut be confused? Or does it depend on the personality type as well? If so, my gut is very confused. It often needs some time to understand what it wants to tell me. The longer it waits, the more precise it becomes. It gathers a lot of insights. Wait a minute, my gut is a researcher.

Anyway, I’ve had these initial gut research findings that my emotions wanted to apply immediately, but my brain couldn’t. It’s the businessman who needs more. More facts, more reassurance, or just more, doesn’t matter what more of, but more is often a great metric of success in business.

Thinking about it again, could it be vice versa? Is it my emotions that don’t allow me to apply the findings and my brain is fighting for it because it went through all possible configurations? What if my brain understood my personality type, divided it by my experience, added the stuff I love and am passionate about, and multiplied it by my vision and values? What if my emotions stand in my way, the fear of letting it go, letting it flow? The fear of disapproval, failure, and disappointment of the close ones. The acceptance. Why am I looking for somebody else's approval all the time when I know deep inside what I need to do?

I need confirmation, that’s how I was raised. I need confirmation that I am on the right path and I am allowed to do what I feel I need to do. I have long felt the place I am at is not for me but I gave it a chance. My vision was blurred but my gut introduced new facts, it managed to gather more because I stayed longer. It knows what my personality and my values can’t stand and it has decided to follow it. It went for freedom. Until when? I hope for a long long time.